Suess's Pieces

I dropped one of my blueberry waffles on the kitchen floor yesterday morning. When Dan picked it up, he dusted off both sides and offered it up for my approval.

I blew on it while he cradled it, just to get any dirt he might’ve missed. Then I wrapped both waffles in a paper towel and ate them on my way to work. (Syrup and forks are for people who can A) get up early enough to sit down at a table for breakfast and B) have metabolisms that still remember how to tear through empty calories.)

Anyway, the point here is that I didn’t die from eating the dropped waffle. So I guess there really is something to that whole 5-second rule. If a waffle is picked up within 5 seconds of dropping it, it’s like it was in my hand the whole time!

That got me thinking that the 5-second rule really could be powerful, if only we were smart enough to recognize its potential. It’s so powerful, in fact, that as far as life-altering superpowers go, the 5-second rule comes in second only to the do-over. Imagine the following scenarios:

• A family member calls, and you think they’re going to offer to help you clean out your garage this weekend as requested. Instead, what you hear after you say hello is, “I need to bum $50 to get in on this new business venture with Grunts Pearson….” Fortunately for you, the phone line’s only been open for 3.2 seconds.

5-second rule for telephone conversations: If phone is disconnected within 5 seconds of answering, you didn’t really just hang up on someone.

• You’re riding along in a municipal vehicle and listening to some tunes while on your way to a Park Board meeting. Unbeknownst to you, the TALK button is depressed on the CB radio, so everyone on the public works frequency can hear you singing along to Kesha. “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…” Approaching a stoplight, you move your right leg to the brake, and the outside of your knee releases the button. You were only on the air for 4.8 seconds.

5-second rule for broadcasting embarrassing, unsanctioned karaoke: If TALK button is released within 5 seconds of the beginning of the broadcast, no one ever heard you.

And finally…

• You step out of the shower and realize that the shirt you want is folded up in the laundry basket on the couch in the living room. Being home alone, you figure you’ll just waltz out to the living room completely buck-freakin-naked. About the time you realize the curtains are open, you hear the clink of the mailbox lid on the wall just outside your front door, and the mailman walks by your picture window. You freeze for 2.4 seconds before grabbing a couch cushion and placing it strategically between you and the window.

5-second rule for unintentional exhibition: If you can cover yourself sufficiently before all 5 seconds have passed, no one ever saw you naked.

Got any more good uses for the 5-second rule?

Photo credit: duboix

Or just a book review. We’ll see how this goes.

Last week on Twitter, author @GeorgiaBrock asked me if I did book reviews. I almost shot off a hasty reply saying that I didn’t. But luckily my fingers held off typing long enough for my brain to have this thought: Just because you haven’t done book reviews on Suess’s Pieces in the past doesn’t mean you can’t start now.

I love hardcopy books and my 3G Kindle like Sarah Palin loves media attention.

Like lots of other people, my appetite for books goes up a couple of notches in the summer. I think it’s a habit that developed during the summer vacations of my youth when I was not only perpetually bored, but also diametrically opposed to insects, sweating, and burning to a crisp in the sun. (Have I ever mentioned that I don’t tan? Ah well, another post for another day.) So it seems logical to give this book review thing a try in the middle of June.

So, dear readers, this is just an FYI that you might find a couple of book reviews on my blog soon. They’ll be sporadic enough, I imagine. No need to worry about the overall content of my blog taking some dramatic turn.

Yo, authors! Here’s how to get your book reviewed on Suess’s Pieces.

If you’d like me to consider reviewing your book on Suess’s Pieces, get in touch with me in one of the following ways:

Twitter

Email

Other than that, you should probably know that author meltdowns like this will totally be exploited. Just wanted to put that out there.

UPDATE, AUGUST 27, 2011: Free reviews are no longer offered on Suess’s Pieces. For more information, go here: When Book Reviews Attack!

jalopy: n., what you’ll be driving if you don’t learn how to set competitive rates and manage your freelance income

I’m no financial expert. But thanks to the magic of the Internet, I don’t have to be. Browse these resources at your leisure and learn more about setting competitive rates, managing your freelance income, and preparing for retirement.

Setting Freelance Rates

• How to Set Your Freelance Writing Rates by Brian Scott
• The WritersMarket.com Pay Rate Chart (requires subscription)
• Setting a Freelance Writing Rate Equal to the Task by Deborah Ng
• Talking Money With Clients: Increasing Your Freelance Writing Rates by Jennifer Mattern

Freelance Spending & Budgets

• It’s Not the Money, It’s You – Why You Should Track Your Spending by LaToya Irby
• Freelance Writing Budget by Kathryn Lang
• Writing for Money – Managing an Unpredictable Cash Flow for Freelance Writers by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Retirement for Freelancers

• Retirement Planning From a Freelancer’s Viewpoint by Thursday Bram
• Individual 401(k) Contribution Calculator for the Self-Employed from AARP.org
• Freelancers Retirement Plan from Freelancers Union

There is a wealth of information out there to help freelancers manage their income and expenses and plan for the future. Keep digging!

What are you doing to manage your freelance money wisely?

Photo credit: msquanna

Editing can be challenging if both parties aren’t on the same page*. This creed is basically just my personal philosophy spelled out so that potential clients can make an informed decision about hiring me.  If you have questions about this post or want to discuss rates, please use my contact page or email me directly.

The Liberal Freelance Editor’s Creed by Emily Suess

1. For a fee I am willing to edit or proofread your documents.
2. As an editor, you’ll find me opinionated and judgy**.  I might even hurt your feelings, but I promise that’s an unintended consequence. In this capacity, I might suggest you stop using triple exclamation points at the end of every sentence. Not because a person can’t use triple exclamation points if she wants to***, but because I personally think your writing is better without them.
3. As a proofreader, I am not going to judge the content or style of your writing. I’m just going to try to catch the things you would change yourself if you had the time to look them up and your eyes weren’t already bleeding from your first thousand readings. I’ll let you keep your triple exclamation points and will promise not to touch any part of your writing that is clearly part of your voice, no matter how much it pains me.
4. Regardless of what you may have learned in middle school, there isn’t just one way to write. Take the serial comma, for instance. The AP Stylebook and the Chicago Manual of Style don’t agree on its use****. Assuming you’re not obligated to follow AP or Chicago or whatever, just pick your favorite and enjoy the opportunity you have to call the shots. I’ll go along with it.
5. My editor’s marks are not insults; they are suggestions. You are – at all times – free to ignore them.  It’s always your piece.
6. I don’t like red ink either, but blue ink doesn’t offer enough contrast and no one is taking my glitter pens***** seriously.

* Ha! I’m such a hoot.
**It’s a word now. I’m a liberal freelance editor, remember?
*** I believe in breaking the so-called rules, particularly if you have a good reason to do it.
**** A quick note on stylebooks: If you’re writing in an industry that requires you to adhere to one particular style, you should tell me that before I start working on your document.
***** I don’t really have glitter pens. I was just trying to be funny.

image credit: jdurham