Congratulations to me! Conditionally.

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I’m kind of in the middle of a rather tedious process I like to call the “Mortgage Assumption Process.” For those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s what an ex-wife does when her ex-husband decides he wants the condo, he doesn’t want the condo, no wait he does want the condo, no wait he’s-moving-out-in-two-weeks-and-she-needs-to-take-over-the-payments-why-didn’t-she-get-this-assumption-stuff-done-months-ago-the-first-time-ex-husband-said-he-didn’t-want-the-condo.

Anyway, I’ve been mailing and faxing the lender for weeks. They keep asking me for documentation of this and that.

“Hi, Emily. We noticed that you deposited $1.12 in your checking account on December 12, 1985. Can you please verify that these were not gift funds used to help you pay your monthly bills?”

“Hi, Emily. We see you were out of work for a few months. Can you please tell us why in God’s name you thought it was OK to not be gainfully employed for that time? Yes we already have a copy of your college diploma. But we need a letter signed in blood that says you were finishing your degree and looking for a new full-time job, not just goofing off. Don’t forget to have it notarized.”

The list goes on.

Anyway, Monday morning I finally got an e-mail from the employee overseeing my assumption application. The beginning of her e-mail began:

Conditionally approved? That’s right. I have to submit another dozen or so documents, most of them things I’ve already sent, but are now out-of-date because it has taken them so damn long to review the application.

“Hi, Emily. These bank statements from a couple of months ago are nice, but could you send us something, like, recent?”

And then it’s anyone’s guess whether or not I will be “unconditionally approved.”

And oh yes she did. That Mortgage Specialist sent me an official email from the lender using Comic Sans.