Demon Spawn Makes Guest Appearance at Garage Sale
June 27, 2011 
10 Comments
Computer-generated image of what Mikey might look like at 13.
We made a little extra cash at the garage sale and only ended up taking a few boxes to Goodwill after the sale was over. Overall, I guess it was worth the effort.
Most of the shoppers behaved nicely, and all the old women oohed and aaahed over the wedding dress I had hanging from a ladder. “That’s just gorgeous!” they’d say as they walked up the driveway. And then one would turn to her friends and say giggling, “But I’ve been there, done that!”
Amen, sisters!
And, I thought to myself, as a very wise Lindsey Buckingham once sang, “Never going back again!”
It was a sunny, cheery day on Saturday. That is, until some redheaded, chubby-ass cloud darkened my garage door.
A nine-year-old and his grandmother, parents, and little brother showed up about two hours into the sale.
Mikey—that’s what we’ll call this particular big-boned, nine-year-old boy—had a toy with him. And, joy of joys, it was a laser gun. At the end of the barrel the gun flashed red while making some annoying siren-like noises. Mikey pointed the gun at Dan and I repeatedly during what I now refer to as The Longest Seven Minutes of My Life™.
When he got bored with that, he walked right up to close-talking range and put his scabbed up elbow in my face. He didn’t say a word, just stared at me.
“Whhooooa!” I said very dramatically. “Look at that! What did you do there?” I was asking him what I thought were very appropriate questions about the scraped up elbow he was waving in my face.
Nothing but silence from the kid. I figured speaking must detract from his badass persona. He took a few paces back and pulled out the toy laser gun again.
Mom said of the toy gun, “A little splurge at Meijer yesterday. That was a mistake!”
I laughed unenthusiastically. Mistake number two was keeping the batteries in that hunk of plastic. Mistake number three was letting him drag it around to garage sales. Mistake number four was saying “not in the face, Mikey” and then not breaking that toy gun over your blasted knee when he refused to do as he was told. Mistake number five was….
Mikey walked up to Dan and pointed the gun in his face this time. Dan played along, put his hands up and pleaded for mercy, then feigned death when Mikey shot him anyway.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Everyone laughed.
How bleeping cute.
Demon spawn turned the gun back on me. “Not me too!” I said. But my heart wasn’t in it. The sarcasm surfaced. I rolled my eyes involuntarily.
This show was getting old, and I was growing terribly impatient. I longed for a way out that didn’t involve me telling complete strangers how to raise their insolent child.
After what seemed like eons, it appeared the adults were finally going to wrap up their shopping and leave. On his way out, Mikey (completely unprovoked, I might add) pushed his little four-year-old brother, making him kiss concrete.
The poor kid looked stunned and lifted himself to his hands and knees, but he didn’t cry. Grandma helped the victim stand up, and mom made some innocuous threats to the perp about being nice or they’d take him home.
I don’t think Dan and I have seen the last of that kid though. In ten years when Mikey “Spawn of Satan” Jones is 19, a 76-year-old John Walsh will be begging the world for anonymous tips to help catch Mikey.
Photo credit: anitapatterson
